台灣怪譚 李立群 單口相聲
Saturday, March 29, 2008
SENSE OF HUMOUR
Wife: 'What areyou doing?'
Husband:Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriagecertificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
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Wife : 'Do you wantdinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are mychoices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
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Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture andthe problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am foryou?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
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Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy'slap.'
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife,
'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly,
'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss andI'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the earlywarning.'
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A wife asked her husband: 'What doyou like most in me, my pretty face or my sexybody?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
The Wise Old Man
A man of 92 years, short, very well-presented, who takes great care in his appearance, is moving into an old people’s home today.
一位92歲、非常注重外表、身材不高
但是衣著整潔的老伯，今天正搬進老人公寓
His wife of 70 has recently died, and he is obliged to leave his home.
他那位70歲的太太最近剛過世，
他感到有責任離開老家
After waiting several hours in the retirement home lobby, he gently smiles as he is told that his room is ready.
他在公寓大廳坐上好幾個小時，當他聽到他的房間
已準備好了的時候，臉上不覺露出微笑
As he slowly walks to the elevator, using his cane, I describe his small room to him, including the sheet hung at the window which serves as a curtain.
他用柺杖緩步走著，護理員在一旁陪他說明房間，
包含掛在窗上當作窗簾那條床單。
"I like it very much", he says, with the enthusiasm of an 8 year old boy who has just been given a new puppy.
他說: “我非常喜歡這”。旁邊還跟著一位八歲
熱心的小男孩，手中捧著剛拿到的新布偶
"M. Gagné, you haven’t even seen the room yet, hang on a moment, we are almost there. "
“老伯，您還沒看到房內了，等一會就到啦”
" That has nothing to do with it ", he replies.
老伯回答說:” 都一樣，沒關係啦”
" Happiness is something I choose in advance. Whether or not I like the room does not depend on the furniture, or the decor – rather it depends on how I decide to see it. "
“我早就選擇好我的幸福了，我不會因為
這間房內有些好傢俱或是裝潢就感到意外，
關鍵是我要怎麼去欣賞它”
" It is already decided in my mind that I like my room. It is a decision I take every morning when I wake up. "
“我腦中已經確定，我會喜歡這間房子。
因為每日早上一起床我就會作一次這樣的決定”
" I can choose. I can spend my day in bed enumerating all the difficulties that I have with the parts of my body that no longer work very well, or I can get up and give thanks to heaven for those parts that are still in working order. "
“我也能有不同選擇。
我能選擇終日躺著，數者身上的器官
唉，有好多已不靈光。
我也能站起身來感恩上蒼，我身上的器官，
竟然還有那麼多依舊是蠻管用的”
" Every day is a gift, and as long as I can open my eyes, I will focus on the new day, and all the happy memories that I have built up during my life. "
“我們活著的每一天都是神的恩賜，只要我還能睜開眼睛
我都要專心於這新的一天，並想著我這一生快樂的時光”
" Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw in later life what you have deposited along the way. "
“老年就好比銀行的帳戶，你下半輩子提領出來的快樂
都是你上半輩子存進去的”
So, my advice to you is to deposit all the happiness you can in your bank account of memories.
所以嘛，我要提醒你趁早將你的快樂，存進你的腦海銀行
Thank you for your part in filling my account with happy memories, which I am still continuing to fill…
我要感謝你在我腦海銀行中也存入了一些快樂
我也將持續將快樂存進我的帳戶中
Remember these simple guidelines for happiness.
請記住下面簡單易學的幸福原則
1. Free your heart from hate.
心中無恨
2. Free your mind from worry.
腦中無憂
3. Live simply.
生活簡單
4. Give more.
多些付出
5. Expect less.
少些期望
A man of 92 years, short, very well-presented, who takes great care in his appearance, is moving into an old people’s home today.
一位92歲、非常注重外表、身材不高
但是衣著整潔的老伯，今天正搬進老人公寓
His wife of 70 has recently died, and he is obliged to leave his home.
他那位70歲的太太最近剛過世，
他感到有責任離開老家
After waiting several hours in the retirement home lobby, he gently smiles as he is told that his room is ready.
他在公寓大廳坐上好幾個小時，當他聽到他的房間
已準備好了的時候，臉上不覺露出微笑
As he slowly walks to the elevator, using his cane, I describe his small room to him, including the sheet hung at the window which serves as a curtain.
他用柺杖緩步走著，護理員在一旁陪他說明房間，
包含掛在窗上當作窗簾那條床單。
"I like it very much", he says, with the enthusiasm of an 8 year old boy who has just been given a new puppy.
他說: “我非常喜歡這”。旁邊還跟著一位八歲
熱心的小男孩，手中捧著剛拿到的新布偶
"M. Gagné, you haven’t even seen the room yet, hang on a moment, we are almost there. "
“老伯，您還沒看到房內了，等一會就到啦”
" That has nothing to do with it ", he replies.
老伯回答說:” 都一樣，沒關係啦”
" Happiness is something I choose in advance. Whether or not I like the room does not depend on the furniture, or the decor – rather it depends on how I decide to see it. "
“我早就選擇好我的幸福了，我不會因為
這間房內有些好傢俱或是裝潢就感到意外，
關鍵是我要怎麼去欣賞它”
" It is already decided in my mind that I like my room. It is a decision I take every morning when I wake up. "
“我腦中已經確定，我會喜歡這間房子。
因為每日早上一起床我就會作一次這樣的決定”
" I can choose. I can spend my day in bed enumerating all the difficulties that I have with the parts of my body that no longer work very well, or I can get up and give thanks to heaven for those parts that are still in working order. "
“我也能有不同選擇。
我能選擇終日躺著，數者身上的器官
唉，有好多已不靈光。
我也能站起身來感恩上蒼，我身上的器官，
竟然還有那麼多依舊是蠻管用的”
" Every day is a gift, and as long as I can open my eyes, I will focus on the new day, and all the happy memories that I have built up during my life. "
“我們活著的每一天都是神的恩賜，只要我還能睜開眼睛
我都要專心於這新的一天，並想著我這一生快樂的時光”
" Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw in later life what you have deposited along the way. "
“老年就好比銀行的帳戶，你下半輩子提領出來的快樂
都是你上半輩子存進去的”
So, my advice to you is to deposit all the happiness you can in your bank account of memories.
所以嘛，我要提醒你趁早將你的快樂，存進你的腦海銀行
Thank you for your part in filling my account with happy memories, which I am still continuing to fill…
我要感謝你在我腦海銀行中也存入了一些快樂
我也將持續將快樂存進我的帳戶中
Remember these simple guidelines for happiness.
請記住下面簡單易學的幸福原則
1. Free your heart from hate.
心中無恨
2. Free your mind from worry.
腦中無憂
3. Live simply.
生活簡單
4. Give more.
多些付出
5. Expect less.
少些期望
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Saturday, March 15, 2008
医生建议：晚上10：00前最好上床休息,中午尽可能睡半小时到一小时的午觉(午睡一小时抵过晚上睡三小时),年轻人一天至少要睡足八小时！
晚上9-11点为免疫系统（淋巴）排毒时间，此段时间应安静或听音乐
晚间11-凌晨1点，肝的排毒，需在熟睡中进行。
凌晨1-3点，胆的排毒，亦同。
凌晨3-5点，肺的排毒。此即为何咳嗽的人在这段时间咳得最剧烈，因排毒动作已走到肺；不应用止咳药，以免抑制废积物的排除。
凌晨5-7点，大肠的排毒，应上厕所排便。
凌晨7-9点，小肠大量吸收营养的时段，应吃早餐。疗病者最好早吃，在６点半前，养生者在７点半前，不吃早餐者应改变习惯，即使拖到９、10点吃都比不吃好。
半夜至凌晨４点为脊椎造血时段，必须熟睡，不宜熬夜。
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