T o p C i t y

Singapore has featured in yet another survey. This time a human resource soncultancy has found ours to be Asia's top city to live in. We don't care who else they asked, thry did not ask us. We use their criteria - and this is the inside story.

Political and social environment : The political environemnt is as stable as Everset. Law enforcement is superb - just try overstaying your parking coupon.

Socio-cultural environemnt : Strict control of what can be seen and heard ensures Singaporeans' maturity peaks at six years. There is complet freedom to shop.

Medical and health considerations : Medical help is readily available, but queue time depends on finances. Infectious diseases are minimized - except in cases of stupidity, subervience and silence.

School and educations : Schools produce a homogenous populace. The best schools have the fewest places - to ensure a homogenous populace.

Public services and transpotation : There's enough power to light up the skyline, enough water to feed the Suntec fountain, enough buses at off-peak hours, enough taxis before 11pm, and traffic jams even during ERP hours.

Recreations : Restaurants abound in every shopping mall. Cinemas all show the same five films, so you need not go far for a movie. We have more sports facilities than medal-winning athletes. The major leisure activcity is surfing between Channels 5, 8 and U.

Housing : Homogenous humans live in homogenous housing. Most households ahve TV, fridege, aircon and Internet. Few have bookshelves. Furniture readily found at chain furniture outlets - compact furniture is best seller.

Natural environemnt : Homogenous climate 24/7, with no risk of earthquake, tsunami, hailstorm, typhoon, hurricane etc. The only likely disasters are the deaths of intelligence and individuality.

Latest : A study by anotehr human resource firm finds Singaproeans to be Asia's most overworked and burnt-out employees. We rest out case.